[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
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[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.