You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
You Might Also Like
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
cause of death:
autopsy.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
R.I.P.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches