my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
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DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
“How’s your day going?”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
what
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad