Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Got ya covered
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Catercrombie & Fish
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.