[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.