Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
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4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’d love this…lol
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
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