The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
LMAO.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms