Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
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So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.