Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil