Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
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my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I have a black belt in leather
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go