Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
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They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
What
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?