Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
You are not alone 💚
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!