Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?