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“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Ok but actually
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”