ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
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Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
my professor scared me for a second
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Perfect.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin