“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
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RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Chicken bread
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually