Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
mood
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.