He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
You Might Also Like
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
They got Raph!