there’s probably a fee though
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.