[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.