I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
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Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.