[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
They’re on their honeymoon
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters