CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
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ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.