Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
never forget
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I finally found a reason to live again.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.