Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
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With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
This meal prepping shit easy
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.