That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use