I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.