‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
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My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.