It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Mood.. 😂
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave: