I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
You Might Also Like
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
*pronounces surface like Versace*
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..