Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.