A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then