Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
You Might Also Like
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.