Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
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(more comics:
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?