Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
never deleting this app.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.