cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
groan^2
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.