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My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Well, this explains it:
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.