“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying