I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.