My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
You Might Also Like
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?