TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
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CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you