All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
When you don’t understand how floors work
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over