[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.