To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
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most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!