yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?