I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
You Might Also Like
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?