Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
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I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Wait a minute
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works