gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
You’ll be OK
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.