*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
You Might Also Like
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
our love story in four pictures
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here