Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”